Nighttime Parenting, Attachment Style

This post is part of the Attachment Parenting is for Everyone blog carnival, hosted by Attachment Parenting International.

Learn more by visiting API Speaks, the blog of Attachment Parenting International.

I first heard about attachment parenting while reading Dr Sears. I was intrigued because the focus of my doctoral dissertation and work in the mental health field has been attachment theory. As a therapist, I have seen that mental health issues can often be traced back to problems with early attachment. Because of this, I have always known that forming a secure attachment with my little ones would be my number one priority. So when I became a parent 8 months ago, practicing attachment parenting just seemed like the natural thing to do. The other thing that draws me to attachment parenting is that it is very instinctual. There is a reason why every cell in my body wants to soothe my son when he cries. Why I am drawn to him and always want to be close to him. Why his skin feels so good against mine and why I feel whole and complete when I hold him. Our parenting instincts are not a coincidence. They are there for a reason!

For my family, at this point in my son's life, attachment parenting is all about EMPATHY.

This plays out most prominently at bedtime and nap time. We have been struggling with sleep for about 4 months now. My beautiful boy started sleeping 6-7 hours at night before waking to nurse when he was 5 or 6 weeks old. Then, at about 4 months old, he started waking every 2 hours, just as he did as a newborn. Since then, we have had periods of time where he will sleep 5-6 hours (December was glorious) but he usually averages about 3 hours. 

Needless to say, I'm pretty tired. Because I am breastfeeding, I am the one who wakes up with him every night. He also sleeps right beside me so that I can wake up and get to him quickly. I went through a period of time when I was so exhausted that I would cry when I heard him wake up. I was so frustrated that I found myself beginning to feel a little resentful toward him when he woke up. I got tons of advice from others and even read a book about sleep training without crying for tips on getting him to sleep longer. However, every single piece of advice I got felt really wrong in my gut. 

Then one day I was at work, and my supervisor found this article and I read it. It talks about attachment and has a section at the end about sleep training. I realized that I had lost my focus on empathy for my child. I was no longer letting myself look at the situation from his perspective. Waking up at night is not something he does to me. He is having a difficult time at night and he is not yet developmentally able to help himself. He will sleep through the night when he is ready. Helping him is my job. It always has been, always will be. This is at the core of my parenting beliefs, and I got the reminder I needed that day. Since then, when my son wakes up, I feel a very strong sense of empathy. Rather than crying and feeling resentful, I wrap him in my arms and feel nothing but love for him. If he needs to nurse, he nurses. And you know what? I fall asleep nursing. I am awake for maybe 5 minutes. I am actually getting more sleep now because I feel at peace. His sleeping habits did not change, but my perspective did.

Some who do not practice attachment parenting will read my story and shake their heads at me. I have been accused of spoiling my baby (mostly by people in my parents' generation...baby boomers and recipients of Dr Spock parenting). To that I say, "Yep! I am spoiling him...and here is why..." When I begin explaining attachment and talking about research that shows why it is important, the discussion usually ends.

I have been told that I am not letting him develop independence. I point out why that statement is incorrect. Research actually shows that children with secure attachments are more independent. They are more likely to explore the world because they know, without a doubt, that they can always go back to Mommy when they need reassurance. 

I have also been asked "Aren't you reinforcing crying?" To that I say, "Crying is not a behavior problem." Crying is the way in which infants communicate. How else is my son going to tell me that he is in distress and needs some help regulating? I am not reinforcing crying. I am not reinforcing manipulation. I am reinforcing communicating his needs to me. I am reinforcing his idea that I am here for him when he needs me. This is an idea that will be important for him to have throughout his life. To me it just makes sense that infants cannot deal with distress, so they need us to. At this age, they have to "borrow" our ability to regulate emotion. The way we soothe their distress is by responding to their needs in an empathetic way.

How can loving, respecting, and empathizing with your child be a bad thing for them? The answer is...it can't. The research shows it, and I have seen it in my work in the mental health field. I have never heard of a person coming to therapy because their parents showed them too much love, too much respect, and too much empathy. They do not come to see me because their parents spend too much time with them or respond to their needs too often...