The Second Baby B -- Breastfeeding vs. Nursing

The second Baby B of AP is breastfeeding.

Sometimes I feel like my life revolves around it. But I love it. It's more than love actually. I am attached to it. The day my son weans will be a very tough day for me, emotionally.

I prefer to call it "nursing" instead of "breastfeeding." This is because I see it as so much more than giving my child calories. I am giving him warmth, closeness and comfort. I also see it as giving him love and sacrifice, because I am continuing to use my body for his purposes instead of my own.

I know that it is more than feeding because when I get home in the evenings (I work three days a week), he almost always wants to nurse, even when he just finished a bottle. Sometimes these are complete nursing sessions, with him draining my milk on both sides because he is hungry, but most of the time he just lightly sucks (not even hard enough to elicit a let-down) for a few minutes and then he is good to go. It's like his way of saying, "HI! I missed you and I'm so glad you're back." The first time I really noticed this was when he was about 7 or 8 weeks old. I had been going to work part-time for about 3 weeks. Husband was home with him all day and when I got home he had just finished a bottle about 20 minutes prior. I didn't nurse him because I figured he was full, but he kept sucking on his fingers and making his "hungry" grunting noise. I was baffled. I did other things to try and comfort him and he started crying. So I nursed. As soon as he latched I could see him physically relax. This child who could drain a breast in 10 minutes at that age (about 5 now...) laid in my lap for about 45 minutes with his eyelids fluttering, happily sucking away. I never had a let-down during that entire time, and he very rarely swallowed. But he was satisfied and comforted. It was also the first time I realized he missed me while I was gone...but working-mom guilt is another topic completely!

I would definitely call myself a proponent of breastfeeding. We all know breast milk has what I consider to be magical properties. I think I have mentioned before my son's pediatrician calling it "Liquid Gold." It boosts his immune system, makes him healthy...we all know the benefits. But I am an even bigger proponent of nursing. Breastfeeding does not necessarily form bonds and promote attachment. Nursing forms bonds and promotes attachment. If you take away the part where the baby is eating, you see the behaviors that do so. Holding baby close, skin-to-skin contact, eye contact, the sucking motion that is so soothing for babies. On-demand nursing has been important as well. When he got his first shot, he immediately nursed and was comforted. When he wakes up at night (yes, still at 9 months...) in the dark and is scared, he nurses and feels comfortable enough to go back to sleep. When we reunite after being separated for any period of time (even just an hour while he naps), he nurses and we reconnect. I can physically feel my love for my son and the closeness we share when I nurse. In my experience, nursing has been an essential part of attachment parenting.

Because I believe that nursing has many more functions than feeding, I don't plan on weaning. As long as my son wants to nurse, he is more than welcome to. I know it is not conventional but I really don't care. Attachment parenting itself is unconventional in our society (which I think is unfortunate). If I get pregnant again while he is still nursing, I may need to revisit this idea, but for now, this is the plan.

I understand that breastfeeding/nursing is a personal decision and I completely respect those moms who choose not to. I also understand that not everyone is successful...not all babies latch, not all moms have sufficient milk production, and some mom-baby pairs don't get the hang of it in time for the milk supply to be adequate. I do think you can form a bond and a secure attachment while feeding your child formula, as long as you are attuned and responsive to your baby. But for my son and me, nursing is a wonderful experience that fosters our bond.

I won't pretend it is perfect or that I want to do it all the time. I recently thought about night-weaning my son because he typically does not sleep for longer than 3-4 hours at a time, and during a sleep regression is sleeping 1-2 hours at a time. After receiving a lot of support from fellow moms I was reminded that I am night-nursing, not night-feeding. Nursing/breastfeeding support is so important. Everyone needs it for different reasons. On my most exhausted days, I happen to need reminding that bonding with and comforting my child through nursing is more important than seeing him sleep through the night. In fact, writing this post has been very therapeutic for me and really reminded me of why I parent at night the way I do.

Lastly, I wanted to share this blog I ran across today. I absolutely love this entry. It brought tears to my eyes and also reminded me of the importance of night-nursing to our dyad. It is called "I am not a human pacifier," and it talks about how comfort nursing is totally different than sucking on a pacifier.

The First Baby B of Attachment Parenting

So let's get a little personal. Most of my posts so far have been about parenting and about research but I haven't really talked about how those affect me. So over the next few weeks I am going to discuss the 7 Baby B's which Dr Sears talks about in relation to Attachment Parenting (which I call AP) and how they apply to my family.

So the first Baby B is...Birth Bonding

"A close attachment after birth and beyond allows the natural, biological attachment-promoting behaviors of the infant and the intuitive, biological, caregiving qualities of the mother to come together." (Dr Sears)


Bonding with baby right away is very important. But, as Dr Sears points out, while there is a "sensitive period" for post-birth bonding, it is not a "now-or-never" kind of thing. When a mom and baby are separated for any period of time right after birth, they can do some "catch-up bonding."


So normally when a baby is born, he is placed on his mother's chest right away. I had a C-section (it was not the plan, BUT my son's head is enormous, so...). I am actually not sure how long it was before I got to meet my son (after 27 hours of active labor--and 39 since my water broke--time wasn't really a concept I had a grasp on). He was cleaned up and swaddled when Husband brought him to me. It could not have been long because, according to Husband, I was not even done being stitched up yet. Husband put him on my chest and the anesthesiologist helped me wrap my arms around him. What an incredible moment (but I won't talk about that...it would be an entire blog post on its own). The time between when I first met him and when he was brought back to me in the recovery room is very blurry. When Husband brought him in, the nurse asked me if I wanted to breastfeed him or if I wanted to sleep and nurse later. Because I had done some reading about birth bonding, I told her I wanted to nurse. Since I was still numb, and also full of Morphine, she latched him on for me. I was able to hold him (my arms weren't numb). This all had to have been within an hour of his birth. I distinctly remember the feelings I had when I looked into his eyes the first time and when I looked at his face the first time we nursed. I definitely felt a sense of brand new connection, and I truly believe that our bonding started there. 


Over the next 3 days, while in the hospital, Husband and I both engaged in almost constant skin-to-skin contact with our beautiful boy. Basically the only time I wore a bra/shirt was when we had visitors. The nurses and lactation consultants all were very encouraging of skin-to-skin. He also roomed-in with us, so he was never away from me. He sometimes slept in the little plastic bassinet next to my bed, but he hated it, so he was held most of the time. I could see my son bonding with me by his behavior. The day after he was born, a nurse came in to draw blood from his foot, and as soon as I began talking he stopped crying. He was soothed by my touch several times while having some procedure done by the nurses. Skin-to-skin on my chest also encouraged breastfeeding, which contributes to bonding as well. 


We continued skin-to-skin contact and lots of holding my son in the days and months that followed our arrival home. We started baby-wearing as soon as my son would go in the carrier without screaming. He slept on our chests every day for months (this still happens occasionally at 9 months old, and only decreased when we instituted a nap-time routine/schedule at 7 months). 


My son and I have an incredible bond. Our story is just one example of how "catch-up bonding" can occur after a C-section birth 

Building Kindness and Resilience

Never heard of Dan Siegel? I am a HUGE FAN...he is an interpersonal neurobiologist. Basically, the study of how relationships affect the brain. He talks a lot about how our interactions with our kids, and how our attachment relationships with our children affect their brain development. He talks a lot about integration of the different parts of the brain and how parents can help children's brains achieve this integration. He wrote the books Mindsight, The Whole-Brain Child, Parenting from the Inside Out, and a few more...

Here is a lecture series with Dr. Siegel, talking about steps to build kindness and resilience in our children. He talks about taking the difficult moments and turning them into experiences that foster these. I found it very thought provoking and interesting. It reminds us how important it is to respond to our kids with respect, understanding, and empathy.

The Continuum Concept

I was introduced to this concept tonight. So I am obviously no expert, but I thought I'd share this concept and a website associated with it. It sounds very similar to attachment parenting. Like AP, it is a "natural" parenting style.

Basically the concept is that we should be parenting the way it has been done through our evolution. If you think about "natural" parenting, the way that parenting was done before our society, you think of mothers wearing their babies on their chests or backs as they went about their day..."gathering" and whatever else they were doing. You think of mothers breastfeeding their babies whenever they were hungry, sleeping with their babies, and basically meeting their babies' demands throughout the day. It is called the continuum concept because it refers to constantly meeting the continuum of your babies needs.

Now the therapist in me comes out...One thing I would be willing to bet money on is that back then there were a LOT less children with behavioral problems and a lot less adults with mental health issues!

This website is The Jean Liedloff Continuum Network. Here is my favorite quote...

"Infants whose continuum needs are fulfilled during the early, in-arms phase grow up to have greater self-esteem and become more independent than those whose cries go unanswered for fear of "spoiling" them or making them too dependent." 

I love it because it basically sums up none other than my favorite topic in the world...attachment research.

We had it right from the beginning. Then our society decided that was all wrong and introduced things like "cry-it-out," scheduled feedings, physical separation from parents for the majority of the day, and the (in my opinion, ridiculous) concept of "spoiling" our children by using these instinctual concepts.

I am intrigued! I will do some more research on the Continuum Concept and will hopefully be talking more about it. I think I may look on Amazon to see if I can get this book for cheap :)

Insights into baby's development

This is a great article from Psychology Today. It is talking about infant brain development and how our typical thinking is wrong. What I liked most about it was how it emphasized that cognitive development is often dependent on building a strong emotional relationship.


I am guilty of wanting to teach my son early...words, reading, colors, numbers, etc...but research is now showing that pushing your child to learn these things too early actually hinders their ability to learn. It forces them to use lower-level brain functioning (basically memorizing) rather than helping develop higher-level brain structures that will be used for learning later on. The way we can develop these higher-level brain functions is through our relationship...through our attachment.


I pulled out some quotes that I thought were powerful"


"Emotional development is not just the foundation for important capacities such as intimacy and trust," says Stanley Greenspan, clinical professor of psychiatry and pediatrics at George Washington University Medical School and author of the new comprehensive book Building Healthy Minds. "It is also the foundation of intelligence and a wide variety of cognitive skills.


"The mother's emotionally expressive face is, by far, the most potent visual stimulus in the infant's environment," points out UCLA's Alan Schore... "We are talking less about what the mother is doing to the baby and more about how the mother is being with the baby and how the baby is learning to be with the mother..."


...future cognitive development depends not on the cognitive stimulation of flashcards and videos, but on the attuned, dynamic and emotional interactions between parent and child.


I also found this tidbit interesting...
As a proponent of attachment, I am very focused on attunement (this article gives a good explanation of attunement as well!). It was great for me to be able to read that periods of misattunement are okay, and even beneficial to baby...as long as there is a recovery and a return to attunement. I see this along the lines of attachment rupture and repair, which I agree is helpful for emotional growth because it fosters resilience. 


Click here for the article.


Here are some resources recommended by the writer of the article:

• The Irreducible Needs of Children: What Every Child Must Have to Grow, Learn and Flourish, T. Berry Brazelton, M.D., and Stanley Greenspan, M.D. (Perseus Books, 2000)

• Building Healthy Minds, Stanley Greenspan, M.D. (Perseus Books, 1999).

More about empathy

I wanted to follow up my post from yesterday with this article. I talked a lot about having empathy for my son when he doesn't sleep through the night. I truly think empathy is one of the most important things about being a parent.

Take a look.

Nighttime Parenting, Attachment Style

This post is part of the Attachment Parenting is for Everyone blog carnival, hosted by Attachment Parenting International.

Learn more by visiting API Speaks, the blog of Attachment Parenting International.

I first heard about attachment parenting while reading Dr Sears. I was intrigued because the focus of my doctoral dissertation and work in the mental health field has been attachment theory. As a therapist, I have seen that mental health issues can often be traced back to problems with early attachment. Because of this, I have always known that forming a secure attachment with my little ones would be my number one priority. So when I became a parent 8 months ago, practicing attachment parenting just seemed like the natural thing to do. The other thing that draws me to attachment parenting is that it is very instinctual. There is a reason why every cell in my body wants to soothe my son when he cries. Why I am drawn to him and always want to be close to him. Why his skin feels so good against mine and why I feel whole and complete when I hold him. Our parenting instincts are not a coincidence. They are there for a reason!

For my family, at this point in my son's life, attachment parenting is all about EMPATHY.

This plays out most prominently at bedtime and nap time. We have been struggling with sleep for about 4 months now. My beautiful boy started sleeping 6-7 hours at night before waking to nurse when he was 5 or 6 weeks old. Then, at about 4 months old, he started waking every 2 hours, just as he did as a newborn. Since then, we have had periods of time where he will sleep 5-6 hours (December was glorious) but he usually averages about 3 hours. 

Needless to say, I'm pretty tired. Because I am breastfeeding, I am the one who wakes up with him every night. He also sleeps right beside me so that I can wake up and get to him quickly. I went through a period of time when I was so exhausted that I would cry when I heard him wake up. I was so frustrated that I found myself beginning to feel a little resentful toward him when he woke up. I got tons of advice from others and even read a book about sleep training without crying for tips on getting him to sleep longer. However, every single piece of advice I got felt really wrong in my gut. 

Then one day I was at work, and my supervisor found this article and I read it. It talks about attachment and has a section at the end about sleep training. I realized that I had lost my focus on empathy for my child. I was no longer letting myself look at the situation from his perspective. Waking up at night is not something he does to me. He is having a difficult time at night and he is not yet developmentally able to help himself. He will sleep through the night when he is ready. Helping him is my job. It always has been, always will be. This is at the core of my parenting beliefs, and I got the reminder I needed that day. Since then, when my son wakes up, I feel a very strong sense of empathy. Rather than crying and feeling resentful, I wrap him in my arms and feel nothing but love for him. If he needs to nurse, he nurses. And you know what? I fall asleep nursing. I am awake for maybe 5 minutes. I am actually getting more sleep now because I feel at peace. His sleeping habits did not change, but my perspective did.

Some who do not practice attachment parenting will read my story and shake their heads at me. I have been accused of spoiling my baby (mostly by people in my parents' generation...baby boomers and recipients of Dr Spock parenting). To that I say, "Yep! I am spoiling him...and here is why..." When I begin explaining attachment and talking about research that shows why it is important, the discussion usually ends.

I have been told that I am not letting him develop independence. I point out why that statement is incorrect. Research actually shows that children with secure attachments are more independent. They are more likely to explore the world because they know, without a doubt, that they can always go back to Mommy when they need reassurance. 

I have also been asked "Aren't you reinforcing crying?" To that I say, "Crying is not a behavior problem." Crying is the way in which infants communicate. How else is my son going to tell me that he is in distress and needs some help regulating? I am not reinforcing crying. I am not reinforcing manipulation. I am reinforcing communicating his needs to me. I am reinforcing his idea that I am here for him when he needs me. This is an idea that will be important for him to have throughout his life. To me it just makes sense that infants cannot deal with distress, so they need us to. At this age, they have to "borrow" our ability to regulate emotion. The way we soothe their distress is by responding to their needs in an empathetic way.

How can loving, respecting, and empathizing with your child be a bad thing for them? The answer is...it can't. The research shows it, and I have seen it in my work in the mental health field. I have never heard of a person coming to therapy because their parents showed them too much love, too much respect, and too much empathy. They do not come to see me because their parents spend too much time with them or respond to their needs too often...